The Secret

Does this dress make me look fat?
Go ahead-you can say YES!!
It would make my day.
I have been keeping a big secret from you for 14 weeks now. I'm Sorry.
I'm on the nest.
I'm in the family way.
I'm expecting.
I'm preggers.
Yes, our new little "turkey" will be arriving just in time to watch us carve the bird for Thanksgiving.
And I have never been so happy in my life.
Some of you that read my blog know our journey to get here has not been easy.
For two and a half years we have struggled for this second chance at parenthood.
We have lost one sweet life along the way.
We have gone through several series of failed fertility treatments.
There were days when I was  broken soul. I was unlovable. I was angry. Sometimes bitter. I was heartbroken.  I felt entitled. And hopeless. And at times, undeservedly selfish.
Defective.
And the worst part?
I sometimes doubted God's presence in my life.
I'm embarrassed to admit that the most.

Everyday life was sometimes a struggle for me.
Baby announcements.
Library times with Moms and their multiple little ones in tow.
Birthday parties.
Expecting Mamas.
Walking past the maternity section in Target.
Innocent questions of when we were going to have a second one. Why we are waiting so long.
Watching the news at night with reports of abused, abandoned unloved children.
Hearing Jason say month after month,"This is the month, I know good things will happen for us."
I felt like I let him down so many times.

But God redeems and restores.
And His plans are great.
He was with me when my friends found out about our loss and showed up at our door with casseroles, tears in their eyes and offers to watch Hollis.
He was with me when family members drove ten hours or flew just so they could give me a hug and tell me they loved me and cry with me.
He was with me when countless friends and family put me on their prayer lists and sometimes daily calls of concern.
He was there with me the moments I could hardly breathe I was crying so hard- with Jason as he loved me through it all and vowed we would come through it better or worse-and stronger because of it.And we have.

It was all part of God's great plan.
He never left my side, even on the darkest of days.
It took going through all this pain and brokenness for me to realize it for the first time in my entire life.
He was with me.
Yes, He was with me the whole time.
And I'm so thankful He was.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,neither are your ways my ways." declares the Lord
Isaiah 55:8